Star Wars: The Clone Wars

OK, so for a matinee today, the new computer-animated Clone Wars movie was the recipient of expendable income. Heard some ups and downs concerning it; but hey, it's Star Wars and the flock must pay alms to the feet of George Lucas. The trailer looked promising:



The differences were vast. Warner Bros. was the parent company of this one, NOT 20th Cenutry Fox. So no famous drumbeat, horns, and strings to introduce the film. That was a little strange. No John Williams involved with the musical score, but rather a Kevin Kiner who bastardized the main theme, along with rearranging other Williams-ish numbers to suit his own liking. (And yet the music in the trailer above is strictly Williams. Odd.) Meh, not so impressed. And finally, no crawling synopsis floating off into the distance; no "It is a period of civil war..." type notes. Instead, a cheesy Gary Owens wannabe announcer giving a little background to why the hell we're fighting a war in this film.




The Separatists need open space lanes near Hutt territory, if they could sway the Hutts to prevent the Republic from traveling through, it would seriously dampen the Republic's ability to reach the Outer Rim. A scheme is hatched to kidnap Jabba the Hutt's son and blame it on the Jedi, thereby bringing the Hutts to the Separatist cause. Anakin receives a new Padawan learner, Ahsoka; an anorexic orange girl in a tube top who brings the most annoying character to the screen since Jar Jar Binks. No mention is made of Ahsoka in Episode III: Revenge of the Sith so she surely leaves the scene sometime soon. I can already not wait for her to die a grisly death and be removed from the Star Wars Universe. A couple of her gems: Jabba's baby boy is nicknamed "Stinky". Anakin is referred to as "Sky Guy". The venerable R2-D2 is referred to as "Artooey". She must go down, and she must go down hard.

Being such a huge Star Wars fan did not save this film from being dull and drab. The battle scenes were exciting, with more computer-aided starships and blasts and whatnot like the "regular" movies. But once you put a human on the screen....crap. Utter crap. Might as well have put wooden marionettes on the screen. No flexibility, no movement, no flow. It's almost as if the animators WANTED to take a shortcut and make an awful looking film when it comes to humans. Clone troopers, space scenes, dogfights? All fantastic. The human element? Drivel. Crap.

Infuriating.

The animated (i.e. actual cartoon) series on Cartoon Network from 2003-2005 was superb. We shockingly have the entire series on two DVD's. "Modern" animation with free-flowing body structures and exaggerations like elongated necks. But this movie....this was a travesty. Sadly, the weekly cartoon series that starts October 3rd will feature the same type of computer animation featured in this film. I'm just not a fan. Wooden marionettes.

That being said, we'll still set it on the TiVo Season Pass and record every episode. Why? Because we're junkies. Lying in our own filth in a back alley somewhere begging for more Star Wars. And our dealer George Lucas laughs all the way to the bank.

For the movie? This 1 hour, 40 minute trailer for the upcoming TV series? It garners a low, low House of Gordon score. A Wait for HBO score. Disappointing.