Chris Berman is a fucking tool.

"Hate" is a strong word. But I hate Chris Berman.

A hyperinflated stammering blowhard. If you're in broadcast journalism, you would probably assume that timbre, pitch, and the ability to know when to take a fucking breath would be paramount in one's skill set. With Chris Berman, not so much. Why he continues to be on television is beyond me. He is a toolbag. And those SHORT-SLEEVED SHIRTS underneath the suit jacket are really a nice touch.

Sloppy douchebag.

And someone else has noticed his annoying trend to broadcast a home run call INCORRECTLY. Observe:

One of the 5,359 reasons the Home Run Derby sucks

...But worst of all, it features Chris Berman calling each and every shot, and that's ninth circle of hell stuff. This year even more so, because I recently discovered that, in addition to being annoying, his "back, back, back" business is both (a) stolen; and (b) wrong. I read this last week while doing some research on fabled Dodgers and Yankees broadcaster Red Barber:

A number of play-by-play announcers, including Chris Berman, picked up on his use of "back, back, back" to describe a long fly ball with potential to be a home run. Oddly, those other announcers are describing the flight of the ball, whereas Barber was describing the outfielder, in this famous call from Game 6 of the 1947 World Series with Joe DiMaggio at bat: "Here's the pitch, swung on, belted... it's a long one... back goes Gionfriddo, back, back, back, back, back, back... heeee makes a one-handed catch against the bullpen! Oh, Doctor!"

Which makes sense when you think about it because the ball, as far as it's concerned anyway, is going forward. It's the outfielder who is going back.

Either way, fine Berman, steal from Red Barber if you must. But at least steal correctly. There are no outfielders making plays on the ball at the Home Run Derby, so there shouldn't be any "back, back, backs." If you agree to drop that tired, stolen and inaccurate shtick, I'll agree to watch your little exhibition. Deal?

You fucking suck, Berman. Go die in a fire.

Asshole.

Two Toronto Blue Jays fans as fake umpires? Classic!

I've seen on a few MLB games at home on the dish where Toronto was playing at home and I got the biggest kick out of two fans who dress up as umpires and mimic the actions of the "real" home plate umpire. They sit in the front row and cannot be missed. The ump hollers "STEEEERIKE!" and pumps his fists? The first row umps do the same. The ump brushes dirt off home plate? The first row umps brush off the top of the backstop wall. The ump raises his fingers to display the count? The first row umps raise their fingers and give the crowd the count. It's rather entertaining indeed.

Sitting at the Nationals/Blue Jays game last Saturday offered quite the view of these two fine gentlemen. Sometimes when a pitch was offered, I would turn my head to the left and glance at the first row umps to get the call. Crazy.

An article about them hit the website mlb.fanhouse.com. A lot of the comments afterward were rather derogatory towards the first row umps, but screw that....I LOVE 'EM!

Fake Umps Phenomenon Hits Nationals Park to Great Delight of Fans
Posted Jun 20, 2009 3:38PM By ANDREW JOHNSON
Filed Under: Blue Jays, MLB Fans, FanHouse Exclusive

WASHINGTON -- If you've tuned into a Blue Jays game at the Rogers Centre this year, chances are you've seen Tim Williams and Joe Farrell. If those two names aren't ringing a bell -- and there's really no reason they should -- how about a description.

Williams and Farrell, both Jays season-ticket holders, often take their seats in the first row behind home plate dressed from head to toe as umpires. Their impersonation of the men in blue doesn't end there. For the entire game, Williams and Farrell mimic the calls of the umpires, raising their arms and bellowing out strike calls, sticking up their fingers to let fans behind them know the count and brushing one hand over the other emphatically to signal foul tips.

"There are 7 billion people on the planet. Do you know how many of them travel to another city to fake umpire a game? You're looking at 'em," Williams tells FanHouse Friday night at Nationals Park.

For the first time this weekend Williams and Farrell, who have a bit of a cult following in Toronto, took their show onto American soil, traveling to Washington for a three-game series between their hometown Blue Jays and the Nationals.

If the fans at Nationals Park -- even the stuffy ones sitting in the $325-a-game President's Club seats -- are any indication, that cult following could grow quickly.

During Friday night's game, a 2-1 Nationals win in extra innings, Washington team president Stan Kasten approaches Williams and Farrell to shake their hands and compliment their work. Scores of fans rush up during every half-inning to get their picture taken with the faux men in blue, while others take delight in either cheering or heckling their calls.

"We were out in the tent (a beer garden just across the street from the ballpark) having beers before the game, and we took 38 pictures with people," the pair explains. "They thought we were the real guys going to get juiced up before the game. We were like 'No, no, we're not gonna be on the field tonight, we're just fans.'"

Their appeal is undeniable.

"We love baseball, we love umpires, we love the Blue Jays and we like having fun. That's it." Williams says.

But the act doesn't pass muster solely because of their enthusiasm for their fake job. Williams and Farrell have authentic umpire uniforms. They have the short-brimmed hats, the official major league umpire shirts with numbers stitched on the sleeves, gray slacks, masks (which they only don when the Jays are pitching), clickers to track the count, brushes, pictured right, to clear dirt off of home plate and ball bags saddled to their right hips. Every time the actual umpire behind home plate throws a new ball to the pitcher, they dig into their bags, pull out a baseball and follow suit.

"We're the real deal," they say, explaining that there are 14 different ways for a pitcher to balk in the rulebook. (There are 16 different ways, according to Wikipedia.) I ask them to reel off all the ways and, fittingly, they balk at the task. Even more fittingly, Nationals relief pitcher Jesus Colome actually commits a balk moments later, moving Toronto shortstop Marco Scutaro up from second to third base.

Williams and Farrell, both traders at the Toronto Stock Exchange, got their equipment after a chance meeting with a few umpires (they neglect to name which ones) at a local steakhouse.

"You can't buy these anywhere," they boast. (Who knows? Perhaps their following will grow, compelling Major League Baseball to sell umpiring gear online?)

Funny enough, the enthusiasm, authenticity and commitment to their act seems to actually be paying dividends. The umpiring crew always notices them.

"Oh yeah, yeah, [the real umpires] laugh." Farrell says. "Did you see C.B. Bucknor over at second base? Can't even control himself! He went into a conniption when he saw us."

They were planning to visit with Blue Jays players in the clubhouse Saturday in Washington. And next month, when the Jays head to New York for a series with the Yankees July 3-5, Williams and Farrell will be in their customary seats in the first row behind home plate at new Yankee Stadium. Ordinarily those seats, located in the Legends section, would cost more than $1,000, but they were such a hit on a YES Network broadcast last month that the Yankees arranged to have them fake ump the July series.

And they also amused and befuddled YES color man, and ex-major leaguer, Ken Singleton.

"[Singleton] couldn't even put a sentence together," Farrell says. "When we rung up Alex Rodriguez in [the fourth] inning, he goes 'multiple umpires ring up A-Rod," and Ken Singleton's a pretty serious stiff, eh."

"He's a very strait-laced guy and he couldn't even put a sentence together," Williams confirms happily.

"While that game was going on, I had a best friend in a bar in New York, and he's watching the Yankees," Farrell continues. "Even before he told them he knew us, there were 500 people in the bar who loved us. They were going ballistic. And he goes, 'I can get 'em to wave,' and [someone in the bar] goes 'What's that guy's name?' Our friend says 'Farrell,' and he had 500 people in the bar going 'Farrell! Farrell!'"

The Williams and Farrell world tour is only beginning. In addition to the New York and D.C. trips, they are planning to be in Oakland for a series that will span the end of July and the beginning of August. And there's plenty more to come.

"We're just going to sporadically pop up," promises Farrell.

"Randomly, randomly," Williams says. "Dude, you'll be watching a Cincinnati Reds game one night and you'll go 'those guys!'"

Even if their antics don't leave you rolling on the ground, you have to give Williams and Farrell this. Their motioning and gesticulating is orders of magnitude more interesting than someone waving and talking into their mobile phone.

Lifetime dream fulfilled

Nationals Park. Day before my birthday. Saturday June 20, 2009. Toronto Blue Jays vs. Washington Nationals.

Sec 127, Row E (2nd row), Seat 2.

Bottom of the 4th inning. Toronto's Brett Cecil pitching. 1B Nick Johnson is the first Nats batter of the inning, 3B Ryan Zimmerman on-deck.

Johnson fouls one straight down into the dirt and it dribbles towards Zimmerman.

Zimmerman picks it up and turns to the crowd at the edge of the backstop netting. He makes eye contact with me and James. He then lobs the ball in our direction. It veers towards James on the aisle and his long arms reach it before mine. He hands the ball to me with the statement, "You're the one who loves baseball, what am I going to do with it?"

And my world is at peace. For I go home with a dirty $8 baseball.

Concerning a brewery, a missed Newseum program, and baseball

Saturday was planned to be a busy day: brewery tour, Newseum, DC brewpub dinner, ballgame.

Saturday morning, James and I took off early for Blue and Gray Brewing Co. in Fredericksburg, VA. They are open for tours on Saturdays from 10am-1pm. The plan was to get there early for the tour then have plenty of time to head back up to Alexandria to take the Metro into DC and catch a 2:30pm Newseum program.

Didn't happen.

First off, the traffic on I-95 southbound was horrendous. Our planned 10:00 arrival turned into a 10:45am arrival. Seriously. Not a problem in the grand scheme of things however. The tour shouldn't be THAT long and the northbound traffic was smooth sailing.

Blue and Gray is in the process of moving to a new location mere yards away. Moving from one large industrial one-room building to another. So we arrive and the only shiny stainless visible is one 40-bbl serving tank, one 40-bbl fermenter, and one 30-bbl fermenter. Seriously? Here's the entirety of the equipment:

Wow. Breathtaking.

So anyway, there is a tour occurring before us, and the pleasant gentleman manning the merchandise register says it'll just be 15 minutes or so if we just want to wait around. Sure! No problem. There will be beer sampling involved so we'll wait.

And wait.

And wait.

The 15 minutes turned into an eternity. 11:30 and we're FINALLY touring. We begin with samples of four of their offerings. The engaging older man conducting the tour was certainly engaging. Engaging with us, engaging with anybody who would interrupt, engaging with a fixit-man entering to help with equipment, engaging with the pretzel bites he shoved in his mouth with reckless abandon while continuing to garble his unintelligible tour speech, engaging with the distractions in his head that continued to blow him off course into confusing waters.

Worst. Tour. Ever.

"Comedically bad" was the apt description.

Fine. As long as we hit the Metro in Alexandria by 1:30pm we'll be golden to get to the Newseum by 2:15pm for our program. The program we RSVP'd for as Newseum "press pass members"? Newsmen Bill and Chris Plante were to discuss their careers in news media and their familial relationship. Interesting!

Except we didn't get to see it.

That easygoing northbound traffic we saw on our crawl southward turned around and killed us. it took f-o-r-e-v-e-r to drive the 40 miles up I-95. Forever. So no Newseum program for us.

Thanks terrible brewery tour of three pieces of steel and awful DC-area traffic!

So we make our way to Gordon Biersch for dinner and multiple pints of their German lager offerings. Tasty. We leave all bloaty. But, there's still some time to kill. Hopping on the Gallery Place metro stop now and just traveling 4 stops to Navy Yard and the Nationals Park will leave us waiting for the gates to open. So we walk a few blocks down to District Chophouse and Brewery for some delicious and velvety rich Bourbon Stout.

It's kicked.

Are you freakin' serious?

Still delicious yet subpar for what we pined for Oatmeal Stouts were consumed in its place. Unbelievable. A sucky tour, traffic that kills our chance to get to the Newseum in time, and no Bourbon Stout? ARGH!!!

So we hop the Metro and get to the park. Two nights in a row for baseball? Sweeeeeet. And since Kimberly splurged for good tickets last night, I figured really good seats again would even out economically. One section closer to the plate, and the 2nd row behind the camera pit next to the dugout. Insanely closeup view. Another great game. The Nationals win again this time in 12 innings! Fantastic! Great seats, great camaraderie, and great outcome.

Plus, and I'll save it for its own stand alone post, I walk home with something I've never gotten in all my years of baseball going. A superb birthday weekend....

Toronto @ Washington, Friday 6/19/09

Friday I get up early for the close to 7-hour drive from Cooperstown to the Brannon household in Alexandria, VA. My vacation is sadly coming to a close. Just a couple more days left. Left at 8:00am and pulled into their driveway about 2:40pm. Hung around on their back patio and drank a few of James's homebrewed creations. Sadly the Brannons had a charity dinner to attend, so it was planned to be a solo game for me. But no. At about 4:00 I hit the Metro to meet Kimberly in DC. Yes, she was in town for some legislative visits, so she offered to meet me for the Nationals game and celebrate it as a birthday present. Nothing beats birthday baseball. I try to hit up a game either on my birthday proper or as close to it as I can. Baseball brings me joy.

I told her that it's my birthday and I was going to get some primo seats as a treat, and she didn't need to pony up for them. She would have none of that argument. We got 4th row behind the Nationals dugout. I have never been as close as we were that night for a major league game. Ever. It was absolutely incredible. Wow.

Made sure to get there by 5:30 for the 7:00 game. Wanted to walk around and take in as much of the park we I could. Plus, there was the added bonus of my favorite DC hangout Ben's Chili Bowl having a stand at the park. Delicious. Engorged myself on a chili cheeseburger plus chili cheese fries. I was a mess. Beards hold cheese like a sponge.

The draw for Kimberly for the game was fireworks. Friday night fireworks. However, the game went into extra innings. 11 innings specifically. There apparently is some ordinance or a gentleman's agreement that if the game runs past 10:50pm, there would be no fireworks display. The game ended at 11:00pm. No fireworks. Curses. Still, pay for 9 innings and get 2 free? Sweet! And to have the home team win in extras? Even sweeter.

National Baseball Hall of Fame

Today was just a veritable overload of all things baseball.  Spent the entire day strolling through the Baseball HOF here in Cooperstown.  The entire day.  Got up early and walked the couple blocks down Main St. and just absorbed everything.  Read everything.  Took pictures of everything.  Just really enjoyed everything.  Not much to type about, really.  Basically, a huge baseball and museum nerd goes to baseball heaven and just smiles all day long.  A lot of fun.

Destination: Cooperstown

A sluggish start after such an exhilarating concert the previous night.  Couldn't sleep.  Eddie Vedder was AWESOME.

Anyhoo, it was a lengthy drive from Baltimore to upstate New York.  More specifically, Cooperstown, NY.  The home of the National Baseball Hall of Fame.  A museum and a village (it's not even a TOWN) that warms my heart.  I love it here.

Got into town, er, village, right before dinner.  Checked in to the gorgeous Inn at Cooperstown and it was more than advertised.  An 18-room inn that has all the charm and comforts you could hope for.  I seriously think that next time I come here, if there isn't a room available, I would consider not going.  Really.  It's THAT beautiful.

After settling in, I hit up Main Street for some dinner and window shopping.  The amount of baseball-related shopping here is mind-boggling.  And truthfully, I didn't do all that much "window shopping"...I frankly cut to the chase and did outright shopping.  Caps, a personally-engraved bat, an old-style glove, shirts; hell, this town (village) is my personal heroin!!!

Tomorrow looks to be an in-depth all-day affair at the Hall of Fame.  They're open 9am-9pm during the summer, and I'm here for 2 1/2 days.  I'm a normally painfully slow museum-goer, so add the bonus of subject matter that I REALLY get excitable about?....and it may not be enough time!

Manny gets to sit at home and play Super Mario Bros. for a little while longer

Manny Ramirez was recently hit with a 50-game suspension in Major League Baseball for testing positive for an illegal performance enhancing substance. The word is that it was a female fertility drug.

HUH???? You may ask.

When steroid users "cycle", they will take other substances to help the body along. Sometimes, a female fertility drug is used to stimulate the body's natural testosterone production after a round of anabolics. I'm sure the presence of this female drug in no way, shape, or form is related to steroid use. Riiiiight.... Of course Manny didn't know what he was taking. It was all just an unfortunate accident.

One of the sweetest swings of all time (of all time!) is now tarnished.

Now I'm not saying anything, because hell I'M not the same size as I was in 1992, but he sure looks different from way back when:

Opening Day 2009!

So it's finally here: Opening Day 2009. Our yearly get-together with decades-long friends. Our one time a year when we ALL take the same time off and enjoy a brief visit to reminisce, drink good beer, watch baseball, and generally have an outstanding time with one another.

Thursday I worked 8-4, er, actually just 8-3. Then it was the 7+ hour drive northward to crash at Duke's in Mt. Vernon, OH. Fellow local beer nut Dale traveled with me this year, so he arrived at my house and we loaded up the Jeep and we took off.

Friday, we made for a 9am departure to arrive at our pregame destination: Great Lakes Brewing Co. The brewpubs to end all brewpubs. Call me a homer, but it's my favorite. Yes, even above my adored Foothills. We arrived before Great Lakes opened. So, it was a quick walk-over to Dave's Supermarket around the corner for some to release their coffee and for me to purchase 5 containers of brown Stadium Mustard. I needed to stock up.

Finally a table for 12 is acquired and we commence the drinking. And eating. But mostly drinking. Their fine, fine beverages were consumed with almost reckless abandon. Every one on the board was ordered...even my arch-nemesis Eliot Ness Vienna Lager. My least favorite. But I sucked it up and ordered a pint just to do it. Just to be stubborn and give Art the mental finger. Just to say I did so. It's on the board, after all.


So a $427 bill later, we make our way to Jacobs Field. The GLBC Fatty Wagon was on the fritz or something, so a smaller van was being utilized to carry revelers across the Lorain-Carnegie Bridge to the ballpark. It didn't carry as many people. So the line didn't reduce by very much with each roundtrip. Frustrated, and only out $1 each for the fare, we made Dave's underage son drive all of us in their own minivan. It made for cozy surroundings and some accidental touching where strangers shouldn't, but we made it across in one piece. And besides, we're not strangers so it's not inappropriate touching.

The game started, and then promptly stalled with a rain delay. Are you serious? ANOTHER year of crappy weather. Well, the rain chilled to the core more so than the SNOW of 2007, so we said the heck with this and left. Back across the bridge. We checked into our hotel, then made our way to The Winking Lizard for some munchies and some more beer. Here, after the Cavaliers game on TV was over, we discover that 60-odd people out of 41,000 had actually stayed in the ballpark and the game was back on after a 3-hour break. Sadly, the Toronto Blue Jays had their way with us afterward and a 13-7 score in favor of the bad guys was the horrifying result.

After the Lizard and the end of the game on TV, most of us went off to bed, but a few intrepid souls made one final trip of the day to Great Lakes Brewing for a dessert nightcap: both beer and ice cream. Blackout Stout, Edmund Fitzgerald Porter, and that delicious Edmund Fitzgerald Porter ice cream were on the docket. It took quite some pushing and determination to down that final beer of the long day, and we for the most part did not indeed succeed. Back to the hotel to wake up our sleeping roommates and then crash. And crash HARD.

A wonderful day spent with great friends. I so look forward to seeing everybody in one setting. And this year's trip did not disappoint.

Fantastic.